It's really too bad, because the performers are giving it their all. Daniel Day-Lewis is negligible (what's with the Transylvanian accent?) but Marion Cotillard stole the show every moment she was onscreen. Fergie was pretty damned good as Seraghina, and Penelope Cruz didn't do too badly either. Judi Dench can never be bad, but her character was a much less convincing voice of conscience than Rosella, whom she was clearly modeled after. And I'm sorry but no matter how much they try to sexify her, Nicole Kidman cannot compete with Claudia Cardinale. As for Kate Hudson, well, she had the worst-written song by far, but she did her best to play the dumb American in her two minutes of screen time.
Deadly, no?
Given the rampant male narcissism and attempted-yet-failed objectification of women, it's laughable if anyones thinks Nine is progressive. At least Fellini's chicks had some backbone, and there was some subtlely to the love triangle. Here, they've just made it a wacky farce. Oh, the humanity! It's as if the writers and director of Nine took the most superficial elements of 8½ -- big hair, small cars, cool sunglasses, and a few priests thrown in for some cheap faux-Catholic symbolism -- and decided that this was what made Fellini great. Worse yet, not a single subtext was left sub. They even feel the need to tell you that Claudia's a muse, just in case you didn't get that. Come on, guys! Fellini just had her dance. And Marcello Mastroianni's Guido was tormented and taciturn enough to entice the viewer's efforts. Sure he's a jerk, but he's a brooding, interesting jerk. Unlike Nine's Guido, who just sings at the top of his lungs about whatever's bothering him and talks way too much.
No denying that Nine is a mess, but at least it's hot mess. With its beautiful exterior shots of Rome, great dancing, and wonderful costumes, all I can muster in the end is a Seinfeldian 'That's a shame.'
