October 1, 2009
Should We Listen To Marcus Buckingham?
More Choices ≠ Equality
Happiness guru Marcus Buckingham is all over the news lately. He's got the ear of Oprah, Arianna Huffington and Maureen Dowd, which shows a major gift for PR. But should we really be listening to this former Gallup pollster turned motivational speaker?
Do You Trust This Man?
Despite the questionably "empirical" data (the accuracy of Gallup polls is quite debatable) I'm not actually disputing his findings that women are more unhappy than ever. Nor do I disagree with all of his advice for finding happiness.
What I am disputing is his bullshit motivational speaker attitude towards the solution. According to Buckingham women have too many choices, and fixing ourselves is as simple as whittling them down to what really makes us happy.
Too many choices. I guess I missed the memo on that one. Yes, we can and should choose to be happy. But a woman's version of "choice" is still far more limited than a man's, so I don't see "too many choices" as the real problem here.
Case in point: twice in the last year I've been told by a lover that while I'm obviously smart, funny, attractive and accomplished, I'm just not long-term commitment material. Why? Because the men in question would prefer a more traditional model. You know, the sort that will put his needs above her own, so he can be brilliant at his career and come home to unwavering, unchallenging support.
Now that's what I call choice.
Every smart, successful woman I know has stories like this one. I'm just grateful I don't want children, because those who do are rightfully worried about viability of that choice.
I wish I had the choice to toss away anyone that didn't fit my standards, confidently knowing that for every reject there would be another ten candidates beating down my door. I wish I had a wife who would take care of more housework than I would, and (if I wanted kids) would shoo them away while I was writing, telling them that Mommy was busy being brilliant. These have been historically male privileges, and despite our best efforts, they still are today.
Buckingham disputes the claim that domestic inequality is at fault. After all, men are definitely doing more of the housework. They're trying hard. That must mean women are happier, right?
How cute. My students say the same thing.
The fact is that men are still making a lot more choices than women, and I think Buckingham's idea of "choosing" reflects this male privilege.
And, for those who want them, let's talk about kids. Lately I've noticed a particularly insidious trend wherein men remain happy bachelors into their late 30's, 40's or even 50's, then have some epiphany about what cads they've been and decide they'd better start a nuclear family right away. Of course, that means they need younger women, of which there are many. (Even Buckingham admits this is true, by the way).
Hence the helpful consensus that with men, it's less about the right girl than the right time. Thus, "experts" continue to advise hopeful bachelorettes that men are like taxis, and you'd better grab one as soon as his light goes on. That doesn't sound like much of a choice, really. How is it that women, who actually do have a biological clock, are not the ones making this decision?
